Never Good Enough

8/7/2018

This is not a new topic; it's one I come back to now and again. Does anyone ever feel that they are good? And I mean the kind of good where you don't have to qualify it: yes, I am a "good" rider compared to a non-rider. In my world, you're only "good" if you're Carl Hester or Steffen Peters or Isabell Werth or any of a half dozen names. How can I say I am a good rider when people like that are in the world?

I do kick butt when it coms to staying on though.

At the El Sueno show a week ago, I warmed up with riders doing Prix St. Georges and Fourth Level because the show is run from the higher tests down through the lower levels. At the time, I felt comfortable warming up in that crowd and never worried about running anyone over. Later though, I wondered to myself what in the world I thought I was doing in such prestigious company.

Someone told me at this show that Second Level is the Grand Prix of the lower levels.

No matter what level Speedy and I do, I still feel like that endurance rider giving Intro Level a try. Speedy looks exactly the same to me as he did eight years ago. He's lost most of his dark gray coloring of course, but I just can't see the "wow" that everyone else tells me they see.

Warming up for Introductory Level during our first season (maybe first show!) in 2010.

Here we are at Second Level. No matter how many people remark that Speedy is moving so much differently, I still feel like the bumbling Intro rider who's trying to fool the judge.

Showing Second Level during our ninth season and 73rd show in 2018.

Does that feeling ever change?

Warming up in 2010.

Someone recently told me to remember that Speedy wouldn't look the way he does if I weren't doing something right.

Showing in 2018.

It's a crisis of confidence for sure. Maybe I'll feel "good enough" if we make it to Third Level. Or does the feeling come at Fourth? Please don't tell me that Carl Hester walks around feeling like a walking train wreck; my already minuscule ego couldn't handle that.

Good thing Speedy doesn't care. He likes me no matter how bad I am. The feeling is mutual.

Jamie

8/7/2018 07:57:39 am

I feel like that ALL THE TIME... we are our own worst critics. The trick is to give yourself a break, & know that it is ok to feel that way & don't beat yourself up over it.

I've been stuck at training level for years now (mostly because my horse keeps finding new ways to maim himself, but still..). I know I'm a decent rider, but I feel like I'm never going to progress..

Maybe it's a feeling that all AA's have, we can't/don't/aren't able to have our main career be riding fantastic horses all day! lol!!

But you are not alone.... :)

Bakersfield Dressage link

8/8/2018 06:32:49 am

Thanks, Jamie! Instead of calling myself a good rider, I usually default to solid rider. Somehow, solid doesn't sound "fantastic." Instead it sounds like a rider who isn't likely to fall off. LOL

Sharon T

8/7/2018 08:11:44 am

I don't have a horse, but train and show my dogs in obedience. When I advance to a higher level of competition I often feel like "I'm in with the cool kids" even though I'm working just as hard. It's all in how you see yourself and being your own worst critic

8/8/2018 06:34:11 am

So weird! As soon as you said showing dogs, I immediately thought, WOW! She's amazing! I wonder why we can't give ourselves more credit? :0)

Dom

8/7/2018 01:29:01 pm

You sound so much like one of my favorite students. She and her horse are making wonderful, steady progress, and no matter how well they do (or how much their scores improve) she never feels like she's "good". I'm not sure if that feeling ever goes away for perfectionists like her, but it's nice to have photo evidence that shows you're definitely improving!!

8/8/2018 06:36:16 am

Yeah ... it's a bit of a curse being born a perfectionist. While we are super motivated and work really hard, we always feel "less than." I am not sure if it wouldn't be better to be a slacker who has high self esteem. LOL

Tracy link

8/8/2018 09:44:00 am

I always feel like I'm a "novice" rider. I mean, I've definitely improved a lot over the years, but I'm still my own worst critic.

8/8/2018 03:06:39 pm

Aren't we all? :0) Every time I move up a little, I am humbled even more. I remember watching Second Level riders warm up and show. I thought they were the cat's meow. Even though I've peeked behind their curtain, I still feel like such a beginner. LOL

laura

8/8/2018 02:15:41 pm

Horses certainly keep us humble don't they? Dressage is so hard, just when you feel like you can execute a concept, you learn there are like for more higher levels of that concept LOL. People with huge egos tend to not do to well in this sport, its always about learning.

FWIW, you and Speedy look fantastic! He does not even look like the same horse!

8/8/2018 03:11:14 pm

Thank you, Laura, that's kind of you to say. Someone once told me that dressage is like an onion - you just keep peeling back the layers.

I was watching some upper level tests at a recent show and realized that most of the movements we're doing at Second Level are ones that we'll keep doing forever (turn on the haunches, shoulder in, medium gaits, etc.). It ticked me off actually.

I felt like the judges should be super easy on us at Second if we're doing the same movements that grand prix horses do. My trainer laughed when I told her. She said the expectations just get harder, but yes, the movements are the same.

Comments are closed.

Not-So-Speedy Dressage