How Low Can You Go?

10/17/2013

I am an over-achiever. This is great in many ways; dinner gets cooked nightly, laundry doesn’t pile up, and our household bills are always paid on time. BUT. No one is perfect at everything, which means the over-achiever, me in particular, frequently under-achieves. This can feel devastating.

I am actually tired of writing about this, but one purpose my blog serves is to be a place where I can work on issues like this one, and I clearly need to work on this. I know that my feelings of failure often keep me from succeeding, or at least feeling successful. Especially when it comes to Sydney.

I get so much support from family and friends; they all think I have accomplished a great deal. I wish I knew to what they were comparing me. Compared to a non-rider, yeah, I guess I am successful; I show, I go to clinics, and I get ribbons. Compared to other active competitors, we don’t stack up too well.

So what do I do? The range from successful to total suckiness is vast. Hilda Gurney and Steffen Peters are successful. How can I say I am successful without qualifying the statement with a million buts? Do I say, I am successful as an adult ammie in the lowest levels of my sport when the classes are really small? Well, whoop-de-do.

How is success defined in dressage? Secretly, I do feel successful, but not in the way it counts. Or, at least not in the ways I want it to count. I want to win classes; I want to move up a level each year; I want someone to say, wow, she has a great seat. But none of that is happening. Hence, I am an under-achieving, over-achiever.

My list of secret successes is pretty small and not always dressage related:

I haul my horses and myself to any show that I want to with confidence and without needing to follow someone else’s plan. This is not dressage specific, of course, since I’ve been doing that for more than a decade, but it’s still something I feel good about.

I moved from a detail-oriented sport where success was based on completion time and for many, longevity, to a sport that requires a completely different level of attention to detail and the perfection of movements. This success, however, is tempered by the degree to which I’ve done the latter.

I guess that I should also include the fact that I am (probably) ready to start showing at First Level. When I first started showing Introductory Level in the summer of 2010, I would have been in absolute Heaven to be attempting First Level so I know that must count as a success.

I know you must be waiting for some big punch line: wah, wah, but here’s my epiphany type of thing. Sorry. I am still searching and waiting for the epiphany. Why can't I feel satisfied by the small steps that I am taking? How can I care just a little bit less? How do I stop feeling embarrassed by how far I have to go?

And buried within that idea is probably the very answer I need.

Lighten up, Sweaney; this is supposed to be fun.

Karen Burch link

10/16/2013 11:46:03 pm

I think you need to redefine your success.

When you ride Endurance, finishing a 50 or 100 miler is considered a success. Finishing in the top ten or winning is cream on top of that. Endurance riders are successful just by trying. It sounds to me like dressage for you is different than that.

Dressage in it's purest form is about a conversation between you and your horse. Conversations take time to achieve intimacy and trust. Your transition with Speedy was easier, because you had already established the conversation and had been having a conversation with him for years before you changed the context. You rode Speedy for hundreds of miles, sometimes in the dark, sometimes in places where a misstep or lack of trust could have cost you your lives, past tiredness to outright exhaustion. The goals you set were achievable, just by sheer stubbornness, if nothing else.

This new game you are trying is much more elusive. it is subtle. There is no pulse down or trot out to mark progress and it is much less about what everyone else thinks, and much more about how it FEELS. To you. And to your horse. It is also a game that takes years to master.

I know you probably know all that, but as an equestrian who is trying something so completely new after 20 years of not riding and physical limitations that make it very difficult to achieve some of those goals, with a horse that was so completely damaged at one point in his life it is amazing he can carry a rider, I know how hard it can be to start something new. I thought maybe it would help you to hear it from someone else.

Dressage is an event of personal best. You compete only against yourself. And you seem to be making progress. Maybe if you can change how you think about dressage, it won't feel so much like failing. Good luck with your green-eyed overachiever monster.

Bakersfield Dressage

10/19/2013 11:19:35 pm

"Your transition with Speedy was easier, because you had already established the conversation and had been having a conversation with him for years before you changed the context."

I never thought of like this before, but you're right. Speedy and I had a long established relationship before we transitioned to dressage. I'll have to remember that as Sydney and I continue down our path. Thanks for you insight. :0)

Tracy link

10/17/2013 01:01:44 am

I agree with Karen Burch -- I've learned that in order to compete and feel successful, I have to compete against myself.

I'll never forget the first time I went to State Fair and saw all the gorgeous horses there. I cried and cried because I thought I would NEVER be able to compete against them. And I didn't, until 4 years later. I didn't place in top three until the last class of my last year of eligibility (which, when you're a teenager, is akin to 100 years). I never won. I never even got reserve. But that third place ribbon at my State Fair sure as hell felt like I'd won the Olympics.

Competing horses is never easy, and you have to ask yourself WHY you do it. What do you get out of it? Why do you enjoy it?

Austen link

10/17/2013 01:08:40 am

I struggle with this as well. Competing against myself doesn't really work for me, instead I try to keep the big goals nebulous and instead focus on each individual ride. Live the moment, if you will. That keeps me from feeling like each day is a disaster, or like I'm stagnating. It doesn't work for everyone, but it keeps me seeking the good moments in every ride. It also ensures that I find something enjoyable about every day's work, whether that thing is finally feeling the hind end engage through a lengthening, or just watching the sunset from my horse's back and feeling the day's stress melt away.

Part of this thinking is separating my competing goals from my training goals. I want to be a good trainer before I want to be a good competitor, and those two things conflict a lot. Denny Emerson had a good quote about this today: "Let`s say you are a great competitor, with a young horse in your string, and in three weeks you are entered in the East Overshoe Dressage Show. What is your goal? Well, it`s to win the classes you have entered. That`s what makes you a great competitor.

So let`s say you are having some "issues" with your five year old---doesn`t matter what issues, "issues." If you are not SUPER vigilant, the horse can begin to feel like he`s being an impediment to your goal. Then what happens? You KNOW what happens---you ratchet up the pressure, the horse gets more tense and resistant, and the downward spiral begins.

Now let`s say you are a great horse trainer, with the same horse. You could care less if there`s a show in 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years, because your goal is for the young horse to be correctly and classically trained. You do not change your tactics, because you don`t feel that competitive pressure."

Just an interesting way to think about the whole darn thing ...

Sandra

10/17/2013 02:06:40 am

Those are some really good comments! I must echo them all. I too am an over-achiever and get frustrated easily. Even though I am still competing at Training level, I have learned that the goal to competition is with my self. I try to get better scores each show with and end goal of 65. Once I reach the "end goal" I use that as an indicator I am ready for the next level.

You are a remarkable rider and an inspiration for those of us who are following the same path. In reality I am relieved to know you have frustrations! It makes me feel more normal! When I go to the shows, all I see are well put together riders with well trained horses seemingly not to have a care in the word. It's nice to know I am not the only one who "stresses" over it all!

Lauren link

10/17/2013 02:12:12 am

It's hard to feel satisfied in this sport. There's always a new goal. A new challenge, and not to mention you see other people overcome obstacles and be really successful at shows and you wonder why you can't do that too? Just try to look at how far you've come! That's what I do when I'm feeling a little down.

Karen link

10/17/2013 05:42:16 am

Funny, I really don't see this as a sport. I never have. I've always seen it as a relationship with a horse and stuff to do that's fun with the horse. My goals are to get him healthy and balanced and out of pain. My goals are to get me out of pain and strong enough to ride as much as I want. But I guess that makes me different from most, because I don't want to compete. I'm a rider not a competitor.

Tina Ries

10/17/2013 02:16:15 am

Hi Karen! Like you, I've been riding for a very long time and want to feel like I've done something and am going in the right direction. I also have heard along the way "Never blame the horse" when things aren't going the rider's way. However, there comes a time when we as riders have to make a honest evaluation of the horse we are riding and ask "Is this horse going to be able to take me where I want to go?" It's yes or no. Black or White. Each horse has his performance level, and it's either decided by physical and/or mental limitations. There is nothing more disheartening to have a horse that has blue blooded breeding for the discipline you want to ride in, tons of athletic ability but no desire to do it. I have one of those right now. He would rather go pick daisies than chase cows. So we're going to try the Western Dressage next year.

I have seen through your posts the struggles you've been having with Sydney and wonder "Why?" There are so many willing horses out there, why put up with all that for as long as you have? You have given him so much more time and chances, more than alot of people would. I'm sure you've ruled out any lameness issues that may be preventing him from moving forward. So maybe it's safe to assume that he just doesn't want to do dressage. Unfortunately no one can say for sure if this is the case or why. Some riders can bring out the most and best in some horses and some can't, and are better suited for a different kind of horse. This is not a failure on anyone's part. It just is. But there comes a time when you have to cut your losses and find a different partner. That's only a decision you can make. Remember "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear." And I think you want a silk purse. We all do. :-)

Amanda link

10/17/2013 03:07:20 am

Yep, I feel very similar all the time, especially if I have to watch a video of me riding. It is always sobering and depressing. My one saving grace is trail riding. I put all that stuff behind me and just enjoy the moments.

Mia link

10/17/2013 04:03:33 am

Boy, I hear ya on this one Karen. I'm no where near where my heart says I should be at, and every little success is shadowed by this overwhelming realization that others have achieved it faster, better, and with far more style then I could do it in.

BUT... I try to handle it by setting goals for myself. Stuff I can hit, mark off, and feel good about for a few days.

Example of my year end goals: my goal was to understand more clearly how to get connection and build collection. To learn how to get Ava working over her back. And be able to reliably do a canter/walk transition correctly. All of those goals fit into my bigger goal of being able to ride a mid to high 60's at Second Level.

I have monthly training plans that are fairly vague, but give me enough frame work to know if I'm on track to hit my end of month goals or not. This month's goal is to get haunches in with big forward at the trot. It's the 17th, and I think I'm on track so far. It's nothing to write home about, but we've made progress so I feel good about myself and what I'm accomplishing with Ava.

The monthly goals are set up to build into the end of year goals.

You get the idea... The problem with this is that you have to have a clear plan of how to achieve the goal, a realistic understanding of how long it takes to achieve the goal (horse and rider strength or learning are factors), and a way to break down each bigger goal into little parts. It's hard to do that with dressage unless you understand how all the little parts build into the bigger picture. I can't do it, so I told my trainer my big year end goals and she tweaked it some so that I can hit those in the time frame I want. Then my trainer tells me the main points to focus on each month in order to hit X by the end of the month and then I go home and work on those.

That's the only way I can feel like I'm NOT a pathetic loser who never makes any progress. I'm kind of up/down on how I feel about dressage though... this week I'm on cloud nine. Next week.. I'll be joining you in a glass of whine. ;) Just keep your chin up, and know for a fact that your dressage buddies recognize you've accomplished a HUGE amount this year.

10/17/2013 11:00:56 am

Whew! It sounds as though this life raft is full! Thank you all for the many comments. You raise interesting points.

Tina - funny you should say that as JL and I were just talking about that. Sydney does better and better at home. Will he ever be good away from home? I don't know, but he's teaching me a lot so I am willing to stick it out with him.

Karen B. - you make a good point in that success is much easier to pin point in endurance (mostly), but I disagree that you only compete against yourself in dressage. Yes, I try to always raise my score, but ultimately, I want to win classes. It's that simple. Dressage can be done at home, but if you're going out there in the ring, you have some desire to be better than those you're competing against. It is both a sport and a way to build a relationship and have a conversation with your partner.

Tracy - I do it because I want to get better, but (wah, wah, way) I want to get better sooner rather than later. :0)

Austen - I think my training goals and showing goals are pretty separate, but training goals ultimately lead to showing goals. There in lies the problem! :0)

Again, Sandra, you give me too much credit. I am glad you can relate to my struggles. I am pretty sure we all have at least ten or twenty in the closet. :0)

Lauren and Amanda - EXACTLY! Riding at home and riding in a show are two completely different things.

Ah, Mia. My sister from another mother. I love your idea. JL actually beat you to the punch! We decided that Sydney goes or doesn't go to the next clinic based on how we deal with the right lead canter between now and the beginning of December. I love the idea of very specific goals. She has set one for me right now. When we get through this one, I am definitely asking her to pick the next one. That's a very satisfying way to train. :0)

Thank you all for your feedback. You've all said some really interesting things and have given me new ways to examine the "problem." I genuinely appreciate the feedback. :0)

10/17/2013 01:30:56 pm

I think if your horse, and your relationship with that horse, is improving- you are a success.

There seems to be a fine line between being a winning competitor and being in it for the horse. I'm not trying to say either way is "better" or the right way but that sometimes to be truly competitive a person has to go thru multiple horses.

Val

10/17/2013 08:45:07 pm

I do not use competition as a barometer for success. This is partly because I rarely compete and partly because there are too many variables beyond your control. I prefer to see the journey as a means to success. I think of riding more as an art, which is not so easily measured. This works for me and believe me, I am also an overachiever. You should see my academic records!

bonita link

10/19/2013 09:13:03 pm

I hear you on this one! I am an absolute perfectionist; which is probably why I ended up in dressage... Which, of course, is the one discipline where perfection can rarely be attained!

I have a Standardbred, two children, no money and no time. Yet I still want to be a successful rider. What does that mean for me? I don't know. I want to become an instructor - I love horses, and I love helping others learn to love horses. I dream of riding Grand Prix dressage. Silly, yes - but that's something I want to do.

If I don't do it, will I still be a success? Yes, I have a partnership with my horse and we both ENJOY riding.

That to me is success - and I think you've already achieved that with Speedy. Like Karen said - you've already had your conversations. And if you think that you and Sydney can get to the same place of trust and partnership, aren't you already on the path to success? You can do it! :)

bonita of <a href="http://www.aridinghabit.blogspot.com.au/">A Riding Habit</a>

10/19/2013 11:35:54 pm

CG - you're right. I am not in it for the ribbons, but it's not just about the relationship either. When I rode endurance, the same was true. If we are TRULY in it for the horse, we would never ask them to do anything hard. Horses were not put on earth for our enjoyment (speaking scientifically). Any time we ride them, we are creating an artificial experience for them to serve our own purpose. Horses do not require our "teaching" to become better. They're just fine out in a field without our interference. With that said, all of us who ride are using our horses to serve our own purposes to one extent or the other.

Val, I know you don't show very often. And Bonita, I ALWAYS am working on the relationships that I have with my boys. When I pull up, they both greet me enthusiastically and always come to their gates eager to join me in whatever "game" I have lined up. While I savor those moments, I ALSO want to be successful in the traditional sense of the word. I want to take what we've learned and test it against the "standard." How well have we've learned it?

In doing this however, I keep my relationships in mind. I never want to ask my horses to do more than they're capable of, and I want them to enjoy their jobs. Speedy is not such a fan of the practice, but he loves the show environment. Sydney enjoys the practice (most of the time), but he lacks confidence while showing. I keep these things in mind as I knowingly use them to satisfy my love of riding.

Again thank you all for your feedback. When I wrote my original post, my intent was to share how humbling this sport can be, but I see now that it's only humbling if you feel that you aren't successful. And obviously one person's success is another's failure! :0)

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About Izzy

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