I am not ready to talk about Sunday's lesson.  Instead I'll share how the halter releasing went.

End result - excellent!  But the truth is, I was really worried about being successful.  

Frankly, I was able to buy Sydney cheaply because he had baggage.  I don't know exactly what size his luggage is or whether it's an indestructible Samsonite, soft-sided, or just a small carry-on.  I do know that he was bred and raced in New Zealand and then exported to the USA, which isn't cheap.  Someone got him his Hunter/Jumper card thing which also means someone was spending big bucks on showing and trainers. Neither thing, racing or jumping, worked out for him, so he slowly made his way to the barn of Debbie Davis, re-homer of the can't quite make it where they were.

Why didn't Sydney make it on the track or as a hunter/jumper?  Was he simply too slow, too clumsy, or was it something more insidious?  Was he untrainable?  Too sensitive and anxious?  I tend to gravitate toward the no one really wants 'em kind of horses.  I've had hot ones, wild ones, and even one that tried to kill me.  [That was Speedy G - and he really did try!]  In the end, they've all turned out to be really great horses that garnered a great deal of respect.

Each time I start a new one, I go through a period of buyer's remorse.  I think, holy crap!  What have I done? There's no way I can make this one work.  And each time, I figured the pony out and was honored to have him or her in my life.  Right now, I'm there with Sydney.  I keep reminding myself that it's been less than a year and we are making progress.  But every time I lick one issue, two more crop up.  This haltering thing was just one more in a line.  Take a number and all that.

When I woke up on Sunday morning, how to fix it consumed me.  I thought about it long and hard but was overwhelmed with feelings of doubt and fear.  What if it just gets worse, and I can't resolve it?  And there it was, the root of all my anxiety, especially the issue we worked on at our lesson.  What if I don't have the skills to deal with Sydney's baggage?  What if he's untrainable?  What if I get hurt?  

Meet my new elephant.  His name is What If.  Unfortunately, he's lived at my barn before, so I know him well. I kicked him out a couple of years ago, but you know how these freeloaders are.  They sneak back in while you're not paying attention.

So dealing with the halter thing was a big deal.  And when I solved it, even if just for one day, I felt some of my confidence return.  Sydney is teachable!

I didn't do anything special.  I just used what I know.  I started in the outside run of his stall and asked him to lower his head by pulling steadily on his lead rope.  Once he lowered his head, I gave a good boy.  Next, I gently rocked his head toward me.  More good boys.  Then I wrapped the lead rope around his neck and repeated the first two exercises.  Downward pressure, sideways rocking.  I loosened the halter and moved as though I was going to "release" him.  As I knew he would, Sydney tried to jerk away.  I was hip to his game and caught him smartly, and sharply, with the rope.  The halter was back on before he knew what had happened. And I will say he had a mildly surprised expression on his face.  Something like, what the hell just happened?

I love that look because it says a lot about a horse's ability to follow the rules.  There was no pinning of the ears or swishing of the tail, gestures that say, screw you, lady!  Instead, just surprise.  I repeated the process again, and was rewarded with a pony whose feet were bolted to the ground.  He was rewarded with a small cookie and lots of very good boys!

I gave Sydney a break while I did some other chores and then we moved the lesson to the arena.  No bolting, jerking, or other shenanigans.  Just a pony who seemed happy with the rules more clearly defined.  I think that as long as I insist on a lowered head and a nose bent to me, we'll have no repeats of the jerk to be free maneuver.

Mr. What If, would you kindly remove your over-sized butt and get the hell out of my barn?  You are decidedly not welcome here.

Some of you have probably wondered if I am still riding on Wednesday evenings with JL.  Rest assured, I am still riding with her.  In fact, I have had a weekly lesson with her every single week for seven months without a single miss.  It’s now become a contest to see which of us can ”out-healthy” the other.  Technically, she probably already won.  We moved my last lesson to Monday since it was a holiday.  I woke up sick that morning and had to cancel, but it rained most of the day so my lesson would have been cancelled any way.  We ended up doing the lesson on Wednesday as previously planned.  So there you have it.  Seven months of weekly lessons without a single miss!

I’ve mentioned this at least a million times, but JL is not a dressage trainer.  I don’t say that to disparage her training at all.  In fact, quite the opposite is true.  I am amazed at what must be a very deep understanding of classical riding.  The things we work on, rhythm (energy and tempo), relaxation (with elasticity and suppleness), and connection (acceptance of the bit through acceptance of the aids) are straight from the dressage pyramid.  I’ve shown her a picture of the pyramid, but it’s not like it’s a poster hanging in her barn.  It’s just what she thinks every horses needs in order to be a suitable riding horse.  Early on she shared with me that once I get to the point where I need to work on movements that require maximum collection (increased engagement, lightness of the forehand, self-carriage), I might need to find another trainer.  How did she know that collection was at the very top of the pyramid?  Fortunately, impulsion (increased energy and thrust) and straightness (improved alignment and balance) are before collection so maybe I’ll be able to stay with her longer than she thinks!

I share all of this because after hearing about my scores and the judge’s comments from last week’s show, JL watched me warm up and quickly formulated her next step in helping me with some of the judge’s feedback.

Okay, now let’s see the canter.  Already?  Usually we work on softening the trot for most of the lesson.  Nope.  Since I ditched my personal elephant, Fear, (do you remember him?) we are now officially moving onto the canter which means we are now working on all three gates, both directions.  I felt like I had moved up a level.  On what scale I am not sure, but it still felt like a promotion!

So we cantered.  Sydney was quite strung out and popped his right shoulder out so much that I had trouble making the turn.  In fact, we missed the turn altogether.  (We train at one end of JL’s jumping arena.)  Okay, bring him back to a walk.  For the remainder of the lesson we worked on two very useful strategies.  At the canter, of course!  

The first one JL called crack a nut.  It was something a physical therapist recently told one of JL’s other students to do, and she thought it was a visual that might work with me.  Imagine a nut between your shoulder blades.  Now squeeze.  That’s how JL wants me to ride.  Cracking a nut does several things.  First, it puts my elbows at my sides and forces me to keep them bent.  Try straightening your elbows while cracking a nut.  Second, it opens up my chest and gives me full range of my shoulders.  Squeeze your shoulder blades and roll your shoulder backwards.  Easy, huh? Third, it turns my hands so that my thumbs are up.  AHA!  When Sydney stiffens, I almost always turn my hands down and “break” my wrists.  Riding as though I was cracking a nut eliminated the broken wrists since I was able to engage my shoulder blades.

The second thing we worked on came straight from the crack a nut strategy.  Sydney was popping his outside shoulder because he wasn’t bending.  He was running straight through my outside rein and leg.  Move his neck! came JL’s command.  It took me a number of tries, but I finally figured it out.  As I asked for the canter, I immediately started rocking both reins so that he couldn’t lock his neck and shoulders.   The reason I could rock both reins and unlock his incredibly stiff and heavy neck was because I was cracking a nut and had full range of my shoulders and had a straight line from bit to elbow - no broken wrists.  Success! 

This is a follow up to yesterday's post in which I admit a few things to myself.  Thank you all for commenting. You were right in many respects.  Sydney was not being respectful.  I spent several days working on that from the ground and it helped me understand some of his anxiety.  How can you be relaxed when you have a leader who isn't leading? 

When I first brought Sydney home, his ground manners left quite a bit to be desired.  He wasn't a stinker, but he was used to just pushing his weight around.  I fixed that immediately as I am too small of a person to tolerate being shoved around by any horse.  He now has impeccable ground manners.  Under saddle was a different story, I was so afraid of "messing him up."  I tried to be gentle with him from the saddle and acknowledged that he was a different breed from which I am used to working.  While he learned to be respectful on the ground, he didn't trust me on board.  He scared me several times in the beginning which started a pretty vicious cycle of behaviors.

I gave this situation a lot of thought.  I realized that if I wanted to continue riding this horse, something had to change.  I asked myself seriously what I could do about it.

There were several answers.  The first one was that I admitted that I was afraid.  Whew .. got that off my chest.  And when I admitted that, I was pretty pissed at myself.  When did I become afraid of riding?  I've ridden my whole life and have been nearly fearless.  I was afraid after Speedy threw me into a fence and cracked the back of my helmet, but I got over that.  What was there to be afraid of here?  That admission was liberating and empowering.

Here's the second admission.  I started letting a trainer, whom I admire tremendously, take over for me.  I started to doubt my own judgement and abilities.  And when I admitted that, I was really pissed at myself!  I may not have certain particular riding skills, but I reminded myself that I can ride and have a rather large toolbox of riding tricks.  I can stay on a horse, dammit!  I may be new to dressage, but I am not new to riding.

So on the day I set out to video Sydney's antics, I "cowgirled up."  I told myself to get my ass out there and ride that horse.  I didn't need to be afraid.  What I needed to do was stop being afraid of looking right, and do whatever was needed to get control of my horse.  Sydney needed a leader, and I hadn't been providing that for him.  I knew how how to do it.  I've done it many, many times.  And that's what I did.  If you've seen the video, you'll know things didn't go perfectly.  He was still gravitating toward the gate, and he kept trying to duck out from under me to get to the gate, but he eventually started to work with me.  And while being the leader, I kicked that fat-assed elephant named Fear, OUT THE DOOR!

I've ridden Sydney several times since that video, and each ride has gotten better.  I am able to use the whole arena and he moves forward.  When he gets too forward, I simply bend him around my leg until he relaxes. We've had one or two little squirty spooks, but they weren't any big deal.  On Tuesday afternoon we had one of the better rides we've had.  We did lots of changes of directions, and with a gentle scoop of my seat and a squeeze with my legs, he jumped neatly into an awesome canter.  I squealed with delight!  We spiraled in, and I slowed him to a lovely pace.  He was "light" in my hand and responded quickly to my whoa.  Woohoo!  That was the first time I've cantered on him since July.  Before Tuesday, I was terrified to canter on him because I didn't know if I would be able to stop him.

So ... Fluphenazine, or fear conquered?  I don't know if the Fluphenazine just took his edge off which made it easier for him to hear me, or if my attitude adjustment has given him the leader he needed.  And I am not saying this whole anxiety issue is conquered, but at least I am on the right track.  I am no longer afraid of him from the saddle, and that is a huge relief!