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Not-So-Speedy Dressage

From Endurance to Dressage

A Pity Party

7/12/2012

 
There's bad weather brewing atop Mt. Self Doubt.  All the pitons that I had in place have been buried in manure or have simply fallen to the ground.

If you think you are the worst rider on the planet, rest assured, you're not. If you've ever thought that you have no business being on a horse, welcome to the club; I am the president.

For the last two months Sydney's been nothing but mellow and happy. When I ride him, he eagerly shoves his nose into the bridle, and his ears flop lazily to the side.  He's had a few reasons to spook and run, but after only a stride or two, he quickly returns to his happy, mellow pace.  I know he's not on the bit and he's definitely not forward, but he's relaxed and working with me.

I was feeling so pleased with his progress that I decided to do a video of our riding.  I propped my camera up on the mounting block and did my regular morning ride.  I tried really hard to ignore the camera and just do what we always do.  I finished with a happy horse who isn't anxious anymore.  That was enough.

And then I watched 35 minutes of oh geez.  Really?  That's what we look like?  Very deep sigh of frustration.  The carabiner broke and I've tumbled back to the bottom of the mountain.

There was no way I was putting that video up on my blog.  After a year, this is all we can do?  My contact is anything but steady.  My seat and legs are anything but solid.  My hands are anything but quiet.  Welcome to my pity party.

Being a perfectionist has many benefits.  I get a lot done and it's always done well.  The problem with being a perfectionist is that there's no posing; I can't fool myself.  If I know I've failed or haven't done something satisfactorily, it's impossible to shake off the cloak of failure.  Out come the boxing gloves and I proceed to beat myself up.

I took Speedy to my regular Wednesday lesson, but I wasn't feeling like taking a lesson.  I started by telling JL what Speedy and I had worked on over the week, but then I found myself spilling my guts about the video and how I have no talent and why can't I get this.  I even teared up a bit. Admitting that you suck can be a painful experience.

JL is an awesome trainer.  She listened intently without placating me or trying to stroke my ego.  She also failed to agree with me.  One of the first things she did was tell me a quick story: another student made the comment that she was unable to ride and talk at the same time like I do. She needed to stop riding before she could answer JL's questions.  When JL finished her little anecdote, I burst our laughing through my tears.  I may ride like sh*t, but at least I can walk and chew gum!

The point she was making was that we are all better at some things than others.  She asked me if dressage is easy.  Of course not.  If it were, everyone would be doing it.  She then asked me what I didn't like about the video.  I told her.  Her response had to do with form and function.  Of what value is it to look good if our horses aren't moving correctly?  She then gave me some suggestions for moving on since Sydney now seems ready for more.

After my lesson was over (more on that in the next post), I rode Sydney and tried some of the things she suggested and quit worrying about how I looked while doing it.

JL's advice was to start riding Sydney with fewer accommodations.  He's ready for me to turn up the volume without the need to panic.  One problem has been his pokey trot.  JL said to go ahead and ask for faster.  She suggested I point him forward and ask for GO.  Let him go a few strides and bring him back to slow.  It worked beautifully!  

I asked for a brisker trot and got it.  In the past, he would have bolted out from under me.  I let him go for a few strides and then slowly sank deeper into the saddle.  He immediately walked.  We did a few more of these transitions until he was happily trotting around briskly and then slowly.  We came back to the walk and cruised around the arena to check out the scary farmer pulling weeds in the orchard just beyond the fence.  Sydney gave him the one-eyed ogle but then went back to ambling along his way.

If you're still with me, thanks for letting me vent.  I find it humiliating to admit when I am not competent at something.  I read quite a few other blogs and get really discouraged to see and hear how fabulous everyone else is doing.  Don't misunderstand; I am happy for their success, but it often makes me feel even worse about my own struggle.

Here's a very short clip of my ride on Sydney.  Please don't tell me that we look great just because you want to make me feel better.  I can see for myself that it's not great.  I also don't need a bunch of advice either.  I can see what's wrong.  Part of it is definitely me, but part of it has been Sydney's inability to relax and trust me.  I think the one thing the video does show is that he is a lot more relaxed and mellow now than he has been in any other video.
The pity party's over.
HammerHorses link
7/12/2012 12:11:45 am

Trust me, we ALL feel this way. I've been so discouraged lately (not for the same reason, of course) that I just can't find anything positive to blog - or even post on facebook - about. It takes a lot of guts to put it out there and let other people judge and I've had a lot of rude comments from people that "love" me about my frustration so that just doesn't help.

The main thing is, don't give up. Don't ever give up. Giving up lets the fear win and then you'll beat yourself up forever for following your fear.

Also - at least you're getting to ride right now! I'd love to be riding at this point! We have FINALLY gotten a summer and I'm "stuck" under the fans and wanting to nap all the time, lol! :)

Karen
7/12/2012 03:39:05 am

HH - I hope that everyone doesn't feel this way, but I am relieved if they do.

My trainer told me that I needed to reevaluate if I wasn't having fun. I am having fun riding, just not WATCHING myself ride. Her response was to quit watching videos. :0) That's an easy fix.

You'll be back in the saddle before long. This was all be worth it in just a very short time. A friend just delivered twins. She and grandma have been sharing photos nearly daily, and it is obvious how very happy she is. You'll be sharing your own happy photos soon. And before you know it, there will be cute photos of twins and Queenie!

Thanks for commiserating.

Judy
7/12/2012 12:17:11 am

Karen, You've been a perfectionist your whole life! I admire your drive and need for excellence. That trait has led you to many accomplishments. HOWEVER (written in my best Mama Judy voice) I think the balance you need to keep in mind is not just your balance in the saddle and the balance of the horse your riding...Remember to never lose the enjoyment of your sport!! Don't be blinded by feeling like you're doing poorly. Keep perspective and enjoy your horses!! I wish I had a video of me riding..bwaahahaha! That you cheer you up! Have a great day!!

Karen
7/12/2012 03:40:32 am

I know (said with an obligatory teenage eye roll). Sean gave me the same little talk. :0)

I went out today and had fun!

nowthatsatrot link
7/12/2012 11:50:27 am

Sydney looks like a completely different horse (in a very GOOD way!) so you must be doing something right. :) We are always our own worst critics.

Karen
7/13/2012 12:54:07 am

He is much more relaxed, of that there is no doubt. :0)

Val
7/12/2012 09:38:28 pm

Karen,

I see a relaxed horse with a swinging tail, a pleasant frame, and contact with the bit. I also see a relaxed, balanced rider. Maybe the image that you are comparing yourself and your horse to is not correct. I do not see how else you could be disappointed in team in the video. Sure there could be more energy, but he is a thoroughbred, getting the energy is the easy part. It is the relaxation that it is the challenge and clearly you have that nailed. Your horse is thinking and listening, both essential qualities to relaxation and progress in the dressage training scale.

I wish that I had video of my first couple years riding Harley. He was not the same horse and it might help you see that you are not alone in the struggles of learning dressage. He was so tense that he would literally explode into the canter (even got that as a comment from a judge on a score sheet once) and become so tense in anticipation of the next canter that his neck was about two inches long and his back so tight that I had to stay completely off of it, because it was like riding a spring. I just didn't have a video camera then and, frankly, I wouldn't have wanted to watch the video either!

Feel better,
Val

Karen
7/13/2012 12:52:59 am

Someday I may be able to watch myself ride without cringing. Do you think Grand Prix riders watch with frowns and grumpy faces? :0)

Sarah link
7/13/2012 04:34:57 am

Sounds like your trainer knows her stuff: FORM fits FUNCTION. (Can you tell it's been crammed down my throat as well??) The reason you don't have the position of a Grand Prix rider is because you are *training* your horse! And its working! Take another video where you are focusing on being an equitation rider and you'll see what I mean - you'll look fab and Sydney will look like he needs some help. That is what your *functional* riding is doing: helping him. With that said, dressage is all about subtlety and maybe this video will help you identify one or two places where you can ask the same thing but in a more visually subtle way. I myself had a freakout session recently when Hubbie took photos of me and Hemie jumping and while Heems looked good, I looked horrible! Trainer gave me a similar pep-talk ask you, but then gave me a few tips for how to notice if my position (in my case, legs and hips) is not correct and how to fix it. She knew that would make me feel better.

Karen
7/14/2012 06:10:17 am

Sarah - my trainer said much the same thing. She said that too often owners pop up cute little riders atop a horse who simply pose for the judge without actually riding (hunters).

I am feeling much better. :0)


Comments are closed.

    About the Writer and Rider

    ​I am a lifelong rider. 
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